CheekyMF!

Guest written by our friend Gladys Fuentes

After dating for the past 5 years, we are finally getting married. Since I didn’t want her to stress about all of the wedding and receptions details, I tried to help out with the planning as much as possible. Little did I know that my attempt at helping was what was causing her the most stress. So, I was sent to focus on getting our new house set up. Before you get any wild ideas, no I did not get to pick the colors, the decorations or even where the furniture went. My job was to set the house up. I quickly found out that that meant I got to paint the walls the colors she picked out, place the decorations where she said and move the furniture a million times until it was right back where it started. I did however take the utilities into my own hands. After getting some good deals on phone and cable service, I found WildBlue by doing a Google search. God bless you Google for saving us money and giving me something to do that makes me feel a part of this whole process. Ok, who am I kidding? I couldn’t care less about the wedding or reception. Bring on the honeymoon!

Going insane with this whole weight shit. Seriously need to get my ass in gear if I really want to get the things I know I can out of life. 

At least the goal now is attainable. I finally look normal. I’m not staring down the barrel of a weight loss goal that has way too many fucking numbers in it. 

In double digit territory and not even the high numbers anymore. If I could lose 20 more pounds, I’d be completely fucking happy. While I still have the actual goal set closer to 40, I’ll be a fucking size 6 in 20. Not just yeah, but fuck yeah!

The article written by Geraldo Russo

I can’t wait for Dexter to start back! It comes on Showtime and I’ve been watching it for all five seasons now and I’m completely and totally addicted. It’s just one of the best shows out there for the money and it’s definitely the only reason I pay extra to get Showtime! I got satellite from direct tv long islandlast year and I knew I was missing something when I caught an episode of Dexter at a friend’s. I immediately upgraded my service and now I get to watch it every Sunday when it airs. I spend a lot of time online talking to other fans and getting on the message boards and stuff which is cool because we can talk about what we think is going to happen or where to get the newest DVDs and things like that. There’s been a lot of real-life drama when it came to the main characters’ personal lives in the off-season so we spend a lot of time gossiping about that, as well!

I haven’t weighed myself in a while now. A whole fucking week. I have a weird relationship with the scale….when I was a kid I was a child model by all technicalities. My mother put me in weight watchers at a ridiculously early age to coincide my love of chocolate with what she so desired me to do with my time…

I learned at an early age that the scale is the most embarrassing thing in the universe. You stand on it, in front of a bunch of grown women (who at least got to enjoy the food they ate to get to a weight watchers! Not I!), and your weight is all obvious and shit. 

I’ve decided to shift my perspective. Since I’m no longer in the “obese” or “plus size” category, I’m going to worry about “healthy”. Novel concept, right? Its not so much about the number on the scale as it is healthy ratios. Healthy waist size, all that jazz.

6 inches to ideal!

Talked to a friend the other day about how I can be a relentless source of motivation re: exercise & diet…for anyone but my damn self. 

I can find a million excuses for not doing shit. Fair enough, the large majority have some basis in reality, but still, sometimes I should just suck shit up and “do”!

What the fuck is my problem? If I lose more weight, my shit will hurt less. Easy enough right?!?!? So why can’t I just force the goddamn connection?!?

So I’m sitting here waiting for the interminably slow Internet connex I’m dealing with tonight to load “Chasing Amy”, and it occurred to me whilst in the silence and after a few decent bong rips, to write a post detailing my Top 5 flicks. I have notoriously limited knowledge of movies, my tastes being shaped mostly by my parents taste in films and haven’t seen…well, most of the shit that my peers have. My dad loved action flicks and westerns, my mom loved horror movies and weepy chick flicks, it was what it was…and I got some weird combination of a love for all of the above. Anyway, I grew up a teensy bit. Started watching things for myself and fell in lurve with the flicks below. I can watch these movies over and over again and discover something new every time. So yeah, enough rambling, here is the list…yay!!

Chasing Amy–This was the first Kevin Smith movie I saw..when I had no clue who Kevin Smith was. It introduced me to Jason Lee and showed me a much different side to that Armageddon dude. Also, Joey Lauren Adams could make me go gay and I am not a fan of eating the vag.

The movie is full of heart and even Affleck himself was always searching out another script from Kevin that hit as hard as this one. All around quality and passes the “watching over at any given time” test with flying fucking colors.

The Tao of Steve–This flick is..well…the dude version of a chick flick. It stars Donal Logue as an unexpected Casanova of sorts in a gorgeous desert-y setting. He’s fat, (but a Fat Fatist.), underemployed, and smokes way too much pot..yet, he has a way of bedding increasingly hot chicks thanks to figuring out that all you really have to do is be a ‘Steve’ (as in McQueen).

If you haven’t seen this, but you have seen dear Donal in something & liked him, GO WATCH THIS NOW! The post will still be here when you get back. Pinky swear.

Serpico–I saw this as a kid at my uncles ranch, and remember being in love with Serpico’s dog. Then I saw this a an adult and saw a harrowing tale of a man who just wants to do right by his city.

I’ve been prone to leaving this one on repeat in the DVD player and just flipping to it when I can’t find anything on television for weeks on end. It’s bad how much I heart this movie.

Dazed and Confused–A movie that makes me jealous of my parents growing up in Texas in the late 70′s. So there’s that…..

High Fidelity–The movie adaptation of the Nick Hornby novel of the same name influenced my life a lot….take for example my entire blurb in my senior yearbook:

“Valedictorian–CheekyMF plans to work in a record store.”

In all fairness, I was misquoted by a 7th grader while already being late to class, I said I planned to own a record store. OWN. Big difference. Super happy that kid didn’t grow up to become a journalist and is instead a secretary at an oil and gas company.

The essence still remains the same although I did realize fairly quickly that the times they were a changing and the new century marked the end of the music industry as we knew it, so I settled for my first job being at a…umm…big blue electronics retailer selling cd’s for a supervisor who is a guitarist for some wicked awesome prog rock band. Zesty Buy or something like that. Anyway…even to this day with this Top 5 flicks list the movie still shades my world with it’s influence.

So there you have it…I’m slowly working my way through the past sixty or so years of cinema to see all of these masterpieces that I seem to have missed out on; but…well…this is what I managed to end up loving without having to scour Netflix, Hulu, or Crackle.

Now my only problem is what the fuck to replace Poolboy 2: Drowning Out the Fury with on this damn list!

Well, it’s a new year, which I suppose means it’s time to feel like shit about my weight again. Luckily, while I backslid through the latter half of the year, I picked up a pace a bit over the last few weeks and now my skinny skivvies and the cute matching bras fit again! Yay!

My waist is a mere six inches from being the “ideal” size.

My stomach looks all flat as shit compared to my tits, which I must say, have retained a nice amount of size, fucking amped about that.

My weight, well, I weigh ten pounds-ish more than I did when I graduated high school. Not bad considering May marks my ten year anniversary from being freed from the bounds of Pentecostal schooling.

Still have a ways to go before final “goal” weight, but gotta say, I’m kinda fucking digging the “small-ish, but curvy” thing I got going for me now. 

Some days I’m really OK with being 5 ft. tall.

I’ve always been a huge fan of sleep. It is easily on the top of the list of my favorite things to do. It’s not that I’m lazy or I sleep all the time, quite the opposite actually. I’m a chronic insomniac; by design, not choice. As a result I crave sleep. I’m like a junkie itching for that next taste of sweet, sweet Lady H. And of course my favorite part of sleep is the dreams.

As a youngster I spent entirely too much time reading up on lucid dreaming and at around the age of 22, I finally accomplished it one night. Best. Dream. Ever. Once I realized I was in a dream, I took control, started flying around a certain big blue box retailer and hurling fireballs around a la “Charmed” Demons. Jolly good fun, I say!

During my journeys though I have come across a not so nice side effect of the actions and tricks required to make lucid dreaming possible: sleep paralysis. It’s the worst, the absolute worst. It’s a state in which the mind is able to wake up, in my case quite often, my eyes are able to open and close and my vocal chords are able to produce some type of muttering, just not quite the words my mind is trying to force it to say. This happened to me one night while W. was giving a State of the Union address and I was napping. My eyes shot open, my ears could hear and I spent the next 45 minutes trying to force my..well…anything to move until finally my body caught up with the rest of me and I shot up on the couch.

Lately all I seem to be having are nightmares when I sleep. Nightmares are apparently the trigger for sleep paralysis in me. The lucid dreaming tricks are so second nature to me that when in a dream, my triggers are almost always present. And my mind always wants to explore that, but I have found that if I do when all that’s occurring are nightmares I end up in dire straits of sleep paralysis that have gotten to the point where they wake both M and my dog up. Not good. So no more lucid dreaming=no more sleep paralysis. Fair enough. But now what do I do to just stop the fucking nightmares?!?

I’m not one for the more spiritual side of life. I always thought I was, well, hoped rather. Tried to be, anyway. I grasped at every religion I could get my hands on, all to no avail. I never felt anything. Never more at peace, not even a little bit. Just the same neurotic sense of self I’ve come to love and loathe in equal parts. I’ve come to a point of acceptance with my default lack of belief in much of anything…noted exception being astrology.

The only “non-scientific” thing I have ever found any comfort in is this “silly” little study of sun/moon signs, lunar cycles and all that jazz.

You see, I was born the child of two Leo’s. By the time I was 5, I was convinced I was going to become the child of divorce, all honesty, I think my parents had figured it out themselves by that point as well, as, most people don’t get divorces ten days after their barely 17 year old daughter graduates high school and moves out on her own.

They clashed. OVER EVERYTHING! They each had their own opinion and were entirely too bull-headed to see that they were both probably wrong and the right answer lies somewhere in the middle. Two lions cannot both have their way, unfortunately their Taurean child was no match for a lion. All that did was encourage another nasty side of my sign, I may not be happy, but at least I can have my things! Oh, look at the shiny, pretty things! Bad me!

Feel it needs to be said that I am only comfortable talking about this now as I have kinda purged myself of my excessive things. I mean, my life can fit into like two suitcases and a backpack. And I keep my shopping in check with body washes and lotions. Hey, fuck you, cold air makes my skin dry! Yes, I need 3 different kinds!

I wish I could take my belief in silly little signs and focus it towards a religion, random deity knows I’d love to have some belief in something beyond myself, as half the time I find myself to be quite shit if we’re being real here.

I have a tattoo of a Taurus sign as it’s the only reason I’ve ever found that explains the “why” of me. I’m stubborn, a bit spoiled, I care deeply, and I never forget. Fuck me over and you’ll regret it, love me and you’ll never want for more.

All that came from reading a few Cosmos over the years. I’ve read the Bible at least 50 times and still just see words on a page. Your move, religion.